Divorced, two kids, no career, and no back-up plan. Bitter and slightly jaded.

In addition to having no back-up plan, I assigned a meaning to this event, and it was harming me.

My belief was my soon-to-be-ex was taking his fiancé to Italy, the one place I wished to go our entire marriage. I was not good enough or worthy in his eyes to be taken to Italy. I dealt with self-doubt and unworthiness. I felt sad, depressed, and heartbroken. My behavior toward him was full of disrespect and contempt, and naturally, our relationship was compromised. Fear got the best of me. I could not think straight, my emotions and feelings directed my behavior, yet I refused to consider a different perspective.

The fact is every action and result in your world first begins as a thought. When you don’t like the results you are getting, you MUST change your thoughts. Even if you are like I was and you have no back-up plan, you have more power than you know. Essentially, you can change the quality of your life by changing the quality of your thoughts, and this concept is what I want to share with you. 

All our experiences must be processed through the brain and given meaning before experiencing emotions and feelings.

If the interpretation we associate to a situation or a person is distorted, our feelings will come out warped, and our behavior will align with that false belief. Your emotions and feelings result entirely from the way you look at things. You give your experience meaning, thus creating a story or a belief that directs your emotions; your emotions then govern your behavior. I was focused on my hurt and my lack of back-up plan at first. When I was able to shift my story, my life began to improve.

The story you’re telling yourself is either adding value or taking value away.

My story was damaging my self-worth and self-confidence. I kept the story alive far too long until I discovered the real truth. My former spouse would never have taken me to Italy in all the years of our marriage. Years before our wedding, I had chosen to go to Italy for an extended stay instead of remaining in Georgia, where he was. I also had an Italian boyfriend years before we dated. I hurt him, and he was holding a grudge. It was his issue, not mine. It was not because I was unlovable or whatever absurd meaning I had placed on the event; it was his “story” that determined his choices. I had my distorted belief, and he had his, neither of which was true. If I had known this when the event occurred, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache, self-doubt, and bad behavior.

With time, wisdom and healing, I realized I could’ve handled this circumstance more constructively. Obviously, I could not control my former spouse’s actions, but I could control my reactions, beliefs, and behavior toward the situation. I also had the ability to control my feelings around the event. And, more importantly, I may have had no back-up plan at the time of divorce but I had the ability to create an actionable plan for a better future.

 But how?

Our thoughts go through a five-step process before they become feelings. Once you understand the process, you can recognize a destructive mindset and then direct the harmful story to a story of liberation. When you change the story, you change your reality, and that’s where the power lies.

To fully understand this concept, think of a negative belief that keeps you up at night or a movie trailer of the mind that’s on a continuous loop. Now run it through the 5 Step Process by examining each prompt and start with the question, 

What are the…

1. Thoughts regarding the situation, event, circumstance, or a person
2. Interpretation, meaning, and beliefs I have given to it
3. Emotions (an energetic response and a label we place on the internal experience)
4. Feelings ( the marriage of emotions + thoughts)
5. Actions and Results

 Follow the exercise with three questions:

1. Is this true? 
2. Can you prove it in a court of law? 
3. How is this serving me? 

Is your mindset causing more harm than good?  

We have incredible power to change our lives by shifting our mindset.  We can create a better future, a plan to move forward and a path in which we can flourish.  I know this, because I had beyond no back-up plan and yet, I was able to roll-out and recreate a fantastic life for my family and for me.  And today, I help others to do the same through my work (learn more about that in my bio below!)

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P.S. Want more tools and resources to stay positive during a divorce? Download my Free Divorce Survive & Thrive Kit below!

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